Warning: Contents may contain high levels of anger and sarcasm…

You know how I say spoilerific in the title? That doesn’t begin to describe this. I basically tell you everything in the film because there’s so much I want to comment on because the film was over 2 hours long! And unless you know the context, you obviously won’t understand my comments. So if you’re planning on watching this film for the plot (which you shouldn’t), then you shouldn’t read past the paragraph after this. But you can also read this review and just not watch the film, which will save you over 2 hours of your life and $12! Yay!

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I was less than impressed by Michael Bay’s first Transformers film. It was all glitter, but no substance whatsoever. Shallower than a puddle. We all know what to expect from a Michael Bay Transformers film; explosions, hot chicks, bad humour, more explosions, and not much else. Character development is not in Bay’s vocabulary. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen does not stray from the formula.

To start, we are shown that the Tranformers have come to Earth before, since before the pyramids were built. This is probably the longest that Michael Bay lets the camera be somewhat still throughout the movie, so cherish that moment for it. Next, we see NEST, a joint operation between the military and the Autobots, whose mission is to seek and destroy any remaining Decepticons. This leads them to China, which gets fucked up by a huge Decepticon on the run. His final words mention the rise of the Fallen, but Optimus, being the brilliant leader that he is, doesn’t bother to inquire further and instead just blows his head off in defiance. China stepping aside and letting the US’s mysterious robot army invade is more than a stretch to me. Even if there was a huge Decepticon fucking them up, they’d try to contain it themselves before asking for help from the States.

We are also introduced to some new Autobots. There are motorcycle Autobots that travel on one wheel in their Transformer form and look like Thrust from Beast Machines/awesome, but we never get to know them.

Thrust the Motorcycle Drone from Beast Machines

Instead, we get to know the twins, Skids and Mudflap (I never heard their names so I only know this from Amir’s review). These two are the epitome of black ghetto stereotypes that make me want to vomit. Michael Bay and his writers should’ve just gone outside and yelled the N word at the top of their lungs instead of wasting people’s time and money.

And now, Sam (Shia LeBouf) is off to college. His father can’t wait to have alone time with his inconsolable, incontrollable, and annoying as fuck mother. His dogs? Well, Bay expects us to laugh at them humping left and right. The first instance of many sophisticated jokes to come… Anyway, on with the Michael Bay hatestorm review. Sam finds a small piece of the All Spark on his shirt, and an ancient Transformers map is downloaded into his brain, Chuck style. All hell breaks loose as their kitchen appliances turn into Transformers, but Bumblebee saves the day. After, Sam tells him that he should go join Optimus since he doesn’t need to be protected anymore…after he was just attacked by his kitchen…

Mikaela (Megan Fox who must be required to be sweaty and dirty at all times by Michael Bay) comes to say goodbye and as they have a sorry excuse for a touching moment, the camera is circling 360 around them like they were at the centre of the goddamn spinning teacups ride!

Next, a liaison of the President wants the Autobots to leave Earth because they think the only reason there are still Decepticon causing hell is to get back at the Autobots. There’s another dizzying 360 shot of Optimus transforming. I actually get dizzy from those and this is coming from someone who had no trouble watching Cloverfield! Meanwhile, the Decepticon lackeys find and revive Megatron so easily, it’s a wonder why it took them so long to do it.

While settling into college, we meet Leo, his roommate who just happens to be part of the “aliens are real, government conspiracies everywhere” crowd. He and his friends run a website devoted to finding the truth about (surprise, surprise) the robot aliens. How did they know they were also aliens and not simply advanced robots? I don’t have a clue. Outside the room, Sam and Leo see some hot chick that looks directly at them then leaves.

Then, Sam’s parents show up to be more annoying as his mother has bought and eats a hash brownie, not knowing what it was. She gets high, starts being even more annoying until his father hauls her ass back into the car.

At a college party (already?), Sam stands Mikaela up on their webchat date (who stands Megan Fox up?!). The same hot chick tries to seduce him, but Bumblebee shows up. Sam gets in, not knowing what the problem is, and the bitch also gets in like a whore, still trying to seduce him.  Should’ve locked the doors. He still drives away with her in shotgun (smart! When Bumblebee crashes your party with an urgent problem, it’ll probably deal with Transformers). Bumblebee forces her out and they go see Optimus, who asks for Sam’s help as an Autobot ambassador. But he says no and that he wants to be a regular boy (who denies Optimus Prime? SRSLY?!).

Megatron flies to the Decepticon base at Cybertron (shouldn’t it take years to fly there? From how Michael Bay depicts it, it looks like Cybertron is Earth’s conjoined twin) and talks with his master, the Fallen. Apparently, the Fallen can only be killed by a Prime which makes no sense when we see how he’s defeated. Anyway, they need to find an Energon source and the info downloaded into Sam’s head is the key.

Sam starts freaking out in class from all the info. A little Decepticon has come to Mikaela’s garage, looking for the All Spark shard. He says that she’s attractive, but dumb. WTF? He’s an advanced alien species, he shouldn’t be calling her attractive! That would be like me calling a monkey attractive. She finds and captures him and takes him with her on a plane to meet up with Sam. Sam is still freaking out, drawing glyphs all over his dorm room until the desperate girl from before shows up to seduce him again. It turns out that she is actually a Decepticon. Stop right there. This. This is the dumbest parts to the plot ever. A Decepticon was disguised as a human. There are so many things wrong with this and how the Decepticons chose to use this… WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

Moving on, Sam, Leo, and Mikaela get captured by Megatron who probes his brain, but before he gets to cut it up, the Autobots crash in to save them. Optimus saves Sam, but Megatron catches up. Fight ensues. Other Decepticons back up Megatron, but no Autobots around to back up Optimus (WTF?). Optimus is owning them, but still gets killed. The Autobots finally decide to show up. Too late.

Dceptions publically threaten the human race unless they get their hands on Sam. Sam, Leo, and Mikaela are hiding out somewhere with Bumblebee and (ugh…) the twins.

NEST is deactivated by the President’s liaison (btw, the President in this film is Obama). He says that this is their war now and that they don’t need the Autobots. SO HE’S NOT GOING TO FIGHT EVIL GIANT ALIEN ROBOTS WITH GOOD GIANT ALIEN ROBOTS?!?!

Anyway, Sam & Co. meet up with John Turturro’s character to find someone who can translate the glyphs in his head. They’re led to an ancient Transformer name Jetfire by the little Decepticon that Mikaela captured.  Oh look, he farts out a parachute, ha fricken ha… He teleports the group to Egypt and reads the glyphs in Sam’s head. Sam’s hand is mysteriously injured and wrapped up (WTF? Where did they get the gauze? Why does teleportation hurt?)

They go off to find the Matrix (energon key thing), leaving Jetfire to chill in the desert. They call NEST to drop off the Autobots and Optimus’s body so that he can try reviving him with the Matrix. They find it, but must reach Optimus’s body before the Decepticon. Lots of explosions. Lots of confusion. Who the fuck is who?! This was what I was thinking when I watched it: WHICH ONE IS THE AUTOBOT AND WHICH ONE IS THE DECEPTICON? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING? THAT TRANSFORMER DIED, SHOULD I BE HAPPY OR SAD? ZOOM THE FUCK OUT. STOP MOVING THE CAMERA. FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY! I GIVE UP! What little I saw of the action was cool, but I saw very little. In the final battle, I could barely even tell which one was Optimus because he was covered in Jetfire’s grey parts.

Oh yeah, Sam dies then get’s ressurected by the Prime ancestors, who say that the Matrix is earned…WTF?! How do they have to power to bring a dead human (not Transformer) back to life?!

Anyhow, the Fallen is killed by a revived Optimus. Guess how? He was punched through the spark. He was killed by force. Why would a Prime be the only one who could kill him if he could be killed like that? If another Transformer were that strong, they would be just as able to kill him like that as Optimus did.

Five things that Michael Bay should learn:

1. ZOOM OUT
2. STOP SPINNING THE CAMERA
3. You can make people laugh without resorting to fart jokes and humping dogs. God, he has the maturity of a horny 12 year old. Grow the fuck up.
4. Character development
5. If certain characters are for kids then why are they swearing left and right? And just saying that they were there for the kids doesn’t excuse a negative stereotype.

Some may argue that this is a film based on a comic/kid’s show/toy line so I shouldn’t expect it to have substance. You know what I say to those people? FUCK YOU! You know what films have substance and depth? Superman, Superman Returns, Spiderman, Spiderman 2, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Watchmen, V for Vendetta, Sin City, Road to Perdition, A History of Violence and countless Disney and Pixar films. Don’t tell me a good Transformers film with depth cannot be made because I’ve seen 3 series of Transformers Beasties/Beast Wars/Beast Machines cartoons from the 90’s that begs to differ.
And none of them had to resort to robot testicles to make me laugh.

Sure the effects were spectacular, but we can’t even appreciate them, and that’s not enough to save this film. I think it actually gave me a headache. Seriously.

Hmm, the first Transformers film was about a 6/10 in my books, and Transformers 2 is certainly much worse. Also, almost as bad as X3: The Last Stand, and we all know how much I hate that movie.

3.5/10
More than meets the eye? No, no, no. Much less than meets the eye is more like it. The first one was at least exactly what meets the eye. If Transformers 1 was shallower than a puddle, then Transformers 2 is shallower than Whistler.

UPDATE/THINGS I FORGOT: I just remembered that this film was written mostly by the same writers of Star Trek! WTF?! Goes to show you how much influence a good or bad director has on a film. Seriously, WTF?!

Also forgot to mention how fast everybody was talking throughout the film. It’s like they were all hopped up on meth or 10 cans of Red Bull. Is this necessary? Not if Michael Bay knew how to cut out the fat, and let me tell you, Transformers 2 is fat as hell. Bloated with so much unnecessary and stupid that you’re brain will be crushed into soup. Fatter than any mother. 2 hours and 20 minutes. That’s exactly as long as The Dark Knight! WTF?!?!

You can ask yourself how Michael Bay screwed up GIANT ROBOT WAR, but you already know the answer. Bad camera, bad humour, bad writing, bad plot. Just bad, bad, bad, bad, bad! If you want to learn how to make a movie, you can rent/buy used (so that you don’t give any money to Michael Bay encouraging him and making them think that they did a good job on this film) and watch it to learn HOW NOT TO MAKE A MOVIE.

One more thing, in an escapist film like this, you’re trying to hypnotize your audience in a way. If the audience notices bad camera work, then they’re immediately taken out of the film and out of the experience. Same goes for the instrumental music and plot hole (especially plot holes because people will just be thinking ‘THIS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE’ throughout most of the film). If they notice, they’re ripped out of that fantasy world and they’re no longer “escaping”. That’s practically an automatic FAIL. You know what I remember most about Mr and Mrs Smith? No, not Bradgelina fighting or getting it on. I remember the Mexico (or was it Spain?) flashback scene, where the two characters first met at a bar. Why? Because the camera was shakey as hell, and it looked like a scene from the Bourne films! FAIL.

Don’t ever try to justify a really bad film as aimed for kids. Pixar films are aimed at kids, but they are some of the greatest films ever made! Just because it was based on a comic/cartoon/toyline doesn’t mean a good film can’t be made out of it! Anything can be good as long as it has good writing and directing.

EDIT #2: ONE MORE THING…!

There was no point to the Rapist Transformer Girl. She could have easily taken the information by pushing him into a closet and just using quick force. Instead she takes forever trying to seduce him (/robot tentacle rape him) …WTF? Why even bother trying to be that sneaky? When they get the map to the Energon machine, they’d get to Egypt in no time since they’re all flyers and they’d be unstoppable before the Autobots even realized what the hell was going on.

I just thought of all that when I read a Gizmodo article and comments about the special effects involved in that scene. Isn’t it sad that thinking about this one little pointless Rapist Robot Girl led to the complete collapse of the film’s plot?